I guess they all tweeted their last tweets.

As we’ve all heard, heaven and hell are finally dividing into what seems to be the most newsworthy topic in the last decade. I am of course talking about the flocks of birds dropping from the sky in Arkansas and the schools of fish washing up on the shores of everywhere. Many of them religion folk preach that this is an obvious sign that the end of the world is coming. Some other skeptics say that this is all BP’s fault for poisoning the world’s water and air supplies or this is some kind of animal suicide college party gone right. I, however, have done the research, acquired the facts and believe I have found a few solutions to this baffling mystery.

            I believe that these deaths were no coincidence. When you think about this rationally, fish and birds are both kings of their domains; Fish the kings of the sea while the birds rule the skies. So whose the only species that would want these two groups out of the picture? That’s right: the Komodo Dragons. These guys are relatives to the dinosaurs who ruled the earth millions of years ago. The dinosaurs eventually all died out due to overconsumption of fast food and the discovery of cigarettes. Once the dinosaurs were out of the picture, fish and birds were free to fill the new niches (If you don’t know what niche means, then there’s something stomata with you. Some people will get that joke). For millions of years, the lizards have been hiding in the dark, waiting for the perfect time to strike back and assume the role of dominant species.

            Now some of you ask “but how did they do it?” Well some of you need to stop asking so many questions. That was a little joke, but on a serious note, an informant from the deep sea, known simply as “Deeptrout”, has given me some insight into this important question. Fish live in the water, which makes them impervious to many means of death, such as fire and gun wound. Therefore, there is only one logical solution as to how the fish were murdered: drowning. As for the birds, this modus operandi continues to be a mystery, however I like to think it’s the pill party theory. That one’s silly.

            As for the Komodo Dragons, I believe they will begin mobilizing soon, possibly allying with the Nazi party and Satan. I believe our only solution is to bomb all the lizards of the world with nuclear bombs. Maybe then, we can all start worrying about things that matter like political majority in the senate or the dying population of Haiti. Or maybe next time, I just wont eat pills I find lying randomly around my house. I’m going to go with that one.